I’m sitting here at my desk, staring at the screen. I’m trying to come up with a subject for today’s blog post, but frankly, I have nothing to say. Which is probably the worst thing to say when you’re writing a blog. Yeah, that’ll make people really enjoy your content and look forward to the next post. But at the same time, it’s the truth.
I have always been a quiet person. Someone who, at first glance, can seem a little preoccupied. Shy. Awkward. And there’s no getting around that. I am all of those things. I have always been someone who thought before speaking. Who needed to feel some sort of bond with someone, however minuscule or profound, to be able to open up. But having said that, even if I did have a strong bond with someone, I didn’t always know what to say. I didn’t always have something to say. And I have always hated that about myself. I have always seen it as my biggest flaw. Something I was ashamed of and insecure about. I always worried that people would see my quiet nature as me being boring, uninteresting or one-dimensional. I remember talking to a friend about it in high school. Her response was: “just say anything. Anything at all. It’s better than saying nothing”. And although I understood her point, I disagreed. And I still do to this day. Probably because I’ve always hated small talk. Those conversations you have that fill a void but have absolutely no meaning, have always felt so annoying and redundant to me. Whenever I was having a conversation like that, I would always ask the same question in my head over and over again. “What’s the point?” And although it would make sense for me to say any stupid thing I could cook up in my mind to avoid my biggest enemy (awkward silence), I hate pointless conversations more.
So where does that leave me? Well, for the first time in my life, I’m actually starting to be okay with the fact that that’s just who I am. I am a quiet person. Not all day, every day. But probably more than most people. I realized, over the past couple of months of being with my boyfriend, that if it’s okay for some people to be super chatty and always talk and talk, then it’s okay for me to be quiet too. In order for someone to talk, someone has to listen. My boyfriend is, or can be, very quiet too. He is the first person I’ve been in a relationship with who is similar to me in that way. And it completely takes the pressure off me. He even said those words to me at one point. “Sometimes, I just have nothing to say”. And it hit me like a ton of bricks, because those were the exact words I had always been petrified of. But at the same time, those were also the words that described how I felt, and how I had been feeling for so many years. And seeing him being so utterly unapologetic about it, made me feel an instant burst of acceptance towards myself. It made me feel free. Of course, something like this doesn’t just go away from one day to the next. From one freeing conversation to the next. But it has started a steady landslide within me that has already made a world of difference to me. I am thankful, in many regards, to have found someone like him. It is clear to me that we were meant to find each other, as we have both learned a lot from this relationship. For that I can only be grateful.
So maybe this post had a little something to say after all? Maybe there was a little something in the midst of all the nothing?
Thank you for listening.